whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
