I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
