Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
