hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize