I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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