I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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