i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
