but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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