I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
