I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
