I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize