So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
it's like heaven, but drunker
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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