dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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