Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
