One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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