she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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