he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
