Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize