I haven't been this sober since birth.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
