weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize