Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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