So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
