I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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