Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
