well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
