During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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