Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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