I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
