apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
