dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
