She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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