Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
