How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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