i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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