I cannot find my penis.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
