you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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