I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
