8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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