He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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