I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
