just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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