I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
