Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
