I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
