Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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