I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
