Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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