After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
