i permit you to call me
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
