I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize