I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
