very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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