Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
