Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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