my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize