it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
