I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
