If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
