Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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